Summer is flying by and with it change. Change is scary and good at the same time. Life is unpredictable and you have to move with the punches or you won’t survive. You may survive but you’ll be miserable. I am a creature of habit. I tend to stick to routines because they are comfortable but I am discovering more and more that it’s ok to change things up a bit and it makes things better sometimes. Having held down 2 jobs for the last almost 2 years now (just shy of a month or two?) I know for a fact that the more active you are, the better you feel. Some days wear more than others but for the most part I love keeping busy. I don’t know what to do with myself when there is nothing to do. So I got restless and decided to rearrange the freezers/refrigerators at the summer job and this is where Tetris comes in. A walk in freezer is a “god-send” in a kitchen but the one I’ve been working out of has been a nightmare. I couldn’t find anything because it was packed like shit and there were multiple 2 door freezers throughout the building with the same items inside making it hard to place orders and keep an accurate inventory so I spent an hour or more (that’s how much time I have on my hands some days) rearranging and gathering like items and “playing tetris” with boxes getting things better organized. Hopefully the regular manager appreciates it when she comes back at the end of August and that I will have depleted a good chunk of excess inventory by then. I should have taken before/after photos because I am wicked proud of my accomplishments in this kitchen. I believe you should leave things better than they were when you arrive and I will. Last weekend (this was actually a few weeks ago now. I draft posts and get busy and forget about them)was pretty fabulous too aside from losing tons of pics from my phone. My Galaxy 6S that I got in November crapped out (heat damage I believe) and the only options I had were to send off my phone to Samsung without a loaner or factory reset after saving my photos which I thought I had done only to find only a fraction actually backed up and saved.. I was and am still soooo pissed. The reset didn’t work so I got a new phone and managed to also get a great deal on a new flatscreen tv for my apartment in the same trip. I now have the galaxy 7 and am still learning how to maneuver it. I have been on the hunt for a new bed as well and managed to talk a deal up with the salesman at The Dump on an already discounted amazing queen set. It is a foam and spring hybrid that feels like a piece of heaven! Things are falling into place and I am slated to move August 19th! It will be a new beginning, new freedom and a sense of independence I have never had AND a stone’s throw from the kids who can come and stay as they wish. I will not make them leave their home. I am super nervous and have a few more things I will need to get but the major stuff is done and I’m working on building up savings. I have taken on a 3rd job saturday mornings cleaning vacation rental houses. I have seen some of the most amazing homes in the last 6 weeks. It’s difficult work and we have been able to knock out 2 houses every week. Emotionally, I am coming into my own. I try not to let things get to me so much even though sometimes it is unavoidable. I have a great support system when I choose to use it but I still prefer to navigate my problems on my own and occasionlly use an ear or two to sound off frustration. I am still reeling from the realization that I may never get my best friend back and I am so scared she will pass on before I get the chance to go down and visit, if her family will allow it. I spent a night after work last week (really a few weeks ago now)driving by our childhood homes reminiscing, letting the tears fall and having faith that while she may never be the same person I knew I got reassurance she is at least happy. I actually spent a few nights in the house I grew up in that week house-sitting for my parents and it was surreal thinking/looking back on all those memories flooding back. There is a spot in that bedroom ceiling (now painted over) that I had written “I love Andrew McCarthy” lol. I love my family and we are far from perfect but there is a genuine unconditional love there that will never die. I got to spend a night talking with my mom which we don’t get to do very often due to my crazy ass schedule. I tended my dad’s massive gardens and it was therapeutic in a sense. I definitely don’t have the free time to keep a garden like that up on my own. Fresh, home grown tomatoes are the best!!! Today (again, weeks ago)I stopped by one of the local Salvation Army stores for shits and grins and found an entertainment center, end table, and chest of drawers, all solid wood for dirt cheap. I am sooo excited.
It hasn’t been all great. Just when I thought things were going well on all fronts, a bomb was dropped on me again that week. I am fully aware that my mother in law has NEVER liked me but she pulled a big one on my family last week. (Again.. more than a week ago I’m lazy)Offered to buy Matt a car to be put in his name that Tami could drive on the condition that I signed a letter waiving all rights to the vehicle. Seriously? I HAVE MY OWN FUCKING CAR, WHY WOULD I WANT ANY PIECE OF SHIT YOU OFFERED UP? I got back to thinking on all the times my family has done things to help us out and never once was a condition set on any of it. Regardless of how things end up with Matt and I, the intention was not to ever take anything from him. I chose to get my own place, how would it be fair to ask him for anything? I am furnishing it on my own as well. We have our issues. That is the reason for this separation. I have things I need to figure out for myself. Call me an asshole if you choose, but it’s something I need to do. I owe it to myself and my family whether anyone understands that or not. It really isn’t for you or anyone to understand. It’s my life and it’s worth it to me to not be such a miserable bitch all the time. I will not post details here. Some things are better left unsaid. In the end he turned down the car. I was miffed but I would have signed the letter and out of spite sent an email to my MIL thanking her for MY new car sonce I’m a bitch like that. No, I wouldn’t have taken it, but the satisfaction of sending the message would have tickled me pink. (And this is where I pick up with the new) Personal growth comes from doing things you are afraid of and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I am forever evolving, a true phoenix. I fall and every time I get back up I emerge stronger than before.
I still train with a trainer every week because I still believe we all need a little push sometimes to make us better. I am a creature of habit that gets stuck into routine, a trainer brings in fresh ideas and keeps me motivated to continue. Thanks to Reggie, I am currently on day 4 of post leg day DOMS… or delayed onset muscle soreness. Its only gelt in my left hamstring now but let me tell you, climbing up and down 3 and 4 flights of stairs Saturday AM was kinda painful but I love it, it lets me know I did something. Muscle soreness comes from the breaking down and rebuilding of muscle. It’s a necessary part of the process. I may never be where I want to be. I still carry alot of excess skin and some fat. The skin drives me insane to this day but I have to look on the bright side. My body feels better than ever. I have saggy bits now that will probably always remain unless I surgically repair it and Idk that that will ever happen at this point. I don’t wear sleeveless tops because my arms are atrocious and I don’t want to see them and sure as hell don’t want anyone else to see ’em! There are pics on file in the archives. Long time followers have seen them and stats reveal others search for them from time to time. (Wierdos)
Today I paid my first months rent and officially signed my lease. There’s no turning back. In 4 days I will have my very own place for the first time in my life. It will be a struggle but I believe that struggle will be necessary and it will force me to overcome. I have been thinking about changing careers. I haven’t decided exactly what for but in the mean time.. I am seriously considering getting certified to become a Zumba instructor, if I do that, I could take on a class or two at the gym which would be awesome. Idk yet. Nothing is ever set in stone. I have dreams🙂
This is where I leave you til next time
-Rising Phoenix, Beautiful Disaster, cheeky sarcastic chic, Jen