The Phoenix is supposed to always rise from its ashes and rebuild stronger each time. I have used this in reference to myself for the last 4 yrs along this fucked up journey called my life.
This is somewhat an open letter that you will never read and I no longer have the energy to spend trying..
You said that you wanted me to hate you. That I shouldn’t want to reconcile because you didn’t deserve it. You won, it has taken me almost 21yrs to see with fresh eyes the truth behind our entire relationship. It hurts, it still does. Except now, not only have I lost 20yrs of my life, I have also lost my kids because of what you have done to me. You brought them into the middle, told your sob story, and won them over meanwhile turning me into a monster. Hell, my daughter kept encouraging the split but that ultimately meant someone had to leave and that ended up being me which is now viewed as abandonment. I have lost.
Now I see you have moved on and it was quite a shock from the man who had no eyes for anyone else and never would. *cough*bullshit*cough* You did it in your typical way, I shouldn’t have been surprised by this latest thing you and my kids hid from me. Hiding it until I discovered it on my own. I feel sorry for her as she has no clue what she has walked into. You have always made yourself out to be the nice guy and I was always the bad one. In reality, my dear, it was you that wore a mask for the world to see and I was true to myself. I defended you to your mother, you had me believing she was the devil incarnate and ruined your life when you left for boot camp by running up your credit cards and bills and not paying them. Now, with clear eyes, I can see that was all lies. I can even imagine all of the stories you have told LeAnn about me. You were abandoned along with the kids, one of which you took in cause she was not yours. Matt is the savior and I was the devil. Just like you blamed all of our financial issues on me when talking to your mom. I wonder why we never got along now. I remember all of your “woe is Matt” stories about your childhood and about how no one ever truly loved you. Your whole family was shit. I bought it all and resented them for it when in reality it was all lies.
Your addictions tore us apart because you didn’t trust me enough to be honest about them. They made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I felt trapped because I thought I could never make it on my own, especially with 2 kids. I packed on 200+ lbs thanks to depression. We did have some good times when I believed that the “last time was the last time” until I would discover another hidden secret of yours.
I sought outside affection, almost craved it because it made me feel alive and wanted. However, it only made me feel worse. I made mistakes too, I will never place all of the blame on you but God damn it.. this was such a bullshit marriage and I resent you. I feel sick because there’s a part of me that still loves you but it’s not healthy.
When I left, it was supposed to be temporary. I needed to spread wings and we could use the break, I had been sleeping on the couch for at least 2 yrs. I wanted to start over if it was at all possible but we couldn’t seem to get over the past, you accused me of using you when we would go out and we did a few times. You conveniently don’t remember that part. Probably because you are in saint mode strengthening your hold on Leann with lies. I wanted to see who I was without you. We got married young, had kids young. I had 2 kids by the time I turned 22 and to say that aloud and read that mystifies me to this day. We were kids!!
There are always two sides to every story. Thank you for not being totally honest about my part. I have always been honest with you, and it killed me that you could never be that way with me. You never thought I would go through with leaving and I did. I know that stung, but why? You would tell my family that you were sure I was going to leave time and time again cause you screwed up again but this was a surprise? Probably the same way this still stings for me. I thought we could get through anything but I think in reality it was really that neither of us thought we could get on without the other and had not the guts to do anything about it.
I have spent the last 4 days falling apart. It wasn’t always bad, it really wasn’t but was it all just a facade? Was it just because I hadn’t learned of the latest betrayal? I don’t know. Although I absolutely hate you right now, this too shall pass and it will be ok. You carry a sliver of my heart that I will never get back. The past 4 months have wreaked their havoc on me and I take each day as they come. I am broken and bruised but if I can make it through, I know it will eventually get better. I’m at my wits end and honestly don’t know how much more I can handle. Now, I hold onto a sliver of hope, being the silver lining type of person that I am, but it’s fading. I don’t feel there is anything left for me without the love and support of my kids.
Til next time,
Let’s see if there’s any fire left in the Phoenix -Jen