We mature with the damage, not the years.

The Phoenix is supposed to always rise from its ashes and rebuild stronger each time. I have used this in reference to myself for the last 4 yrs along this fucked up journey called my life.

This is somewhat an open letter that you will never read and I no longer have the energy to spend trying..

You said that you wanted me to hate you. That I shouldn’t want to reconcile because you didn’t deserve it. You won, it has taken me almost 21yrs to see with fresh eyes the truth behind our entire relationship. It hurts, it still does. Except now, not only have I lost 20yrs of my life, I have also lost my kids because of what you have done to me. You brought them into the middle, told your sob story, and won them over meanwhile turning me into a monster. Hell, my daughter kept encouraging the split but that ultimately meant someone had to leave and that ended up being me which is now viewed as abandonment. I have lost.

Now I see you have moved on and it was quite a shock from the man who had no eyes for anyone else and never would.  *cough*bullshit*cough* You did it in your typical way, I shouldn’t have been surprised by this latest thing you and my kids hid from me. Hiding it until I discovered it on my own. I feel sorry for her as she has no clue what she has walked into. You have always made yourself out to be the nice guy and I was always the bad one. In reality, my dear, it was you that wore a mask for the world to see and I was true to myself. I defended you to your mother, you had me believing she was the devil incarnate and ruined your life when you left for boot camp by running up your credit cards and bills and not paying them. Now, with clear eyes, I can see that was all lies. I can even imagine all of the stories you have told LeAnn about me. You were abandoned along with the kids, one of which you took in cause she was not yours. Matt is the savior and I was the devil. Just like you blamed all of our financial issues on me when talking to your mom. I wonder why we never got along now. I remember all of your “woe is Matt” stories about your childhood and about how no one ever truly loved you. Your whole family was shit. I bought it all and resented them for it when in reality it was all lies. 

Your addictions tore us apart because you didn’t trust me enough to be honest about them. They made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I felt trapped because I thought I could never make it on my own, especially with 2 kids. I packed on 200+ lbs thanks to depression. We did have some good times when I believed that the “last time was the last time” until I would discover another hidden secret of yours. 

I sought outside affection, almost craved it because it made me feel alive and wanted. However, it only made me feel worse. I made mistakes too, I will never place all of the blame on you but God damn it.. this was such a bullshit marriage and I resent you. I feel sick because there’s a part of me that still loves you but it’s not healthy. 

When I left, it was supposed to be temporary. I needed to spread wings and we could use the break, I had been sleeping on the couch for at least 2 yrs. I wanted to start over if it was at all possible but we couldn’t seem to get over the past, you accused me of using you when we would go out and we did a few times. You conveniently don’t remember that part. Probably because you are in saint mode strengthening your hold on Leann with lies. I wanted to see who I was without you. We got married young, had kids young. I had 2 kids by the time I turned 22 and to say that aloud and read that mystifies me to this day. We were kids!! 

There are always two sides to every story. Thank you for not being totally honest about my part. I have always been honest with you, and it killed me that you could never be that way with me. You never thought I would go through with leaving and I did. I know that stung, but why? You would tell my family that you were sure I was going to leave time and time again cause you screwed up again but this was a surprise? Probably the same way this still stings for me. I thought we could get through anything but I think in reality it was really that neither of us thought we could get on without the other and had not the guts to do anything about it. 

Surprise! 

I have spent the last 4 days falling apart. It wasn’t always bad, it really wasn’t but was it all just a facade? Was it just because I hadn’t learned of the latest betrayal? I don’t know. Although I absolutely hate you right now, this too shall pass and it will be ok. You carry a sliver of my heart that I will never get back. The past 4 months have wreaked their havoc on me and I take each day as they come. I am broken and bruised but if I can make it through, I know it will eventually get better. I’m at my wits end and honestly don’t know how much more I can handle. Now, I hold onto a sliver of hope, being the silver lining type of person that I am, but it’s fading. I don’t feel there is anything left for me without the love and support of my kids. 

Til next time,

Let’s see if there’s any fire left in the Phoenix -Jen

Changes…

Time to face the strange ch-ch-changes..

When I was hired on at my current position, I had no idea that we would be combining with another school (Kemps Land8ng Magnet School) and that a new building would be built. 

It was my 3rd interview that summer and I was pretty down and didn’t think I would be chosen for this one either. I choked during the first two. I got nervous, I forgot what I wanted to say, and I spent the rest of those 2 days thinking to myself about what I should have said and gah!!! I went into Old Donation with my head held high, huge plastic smile plastered on my face and “winged it”. The new administration for the school made me feel at home and I left the interview feeling better than I had at the last two. Within 2 hrs Human Resources called to offer me the position. I am pretty sure I cried, screamed, and got nervous as hell! What in the hell did I just get myself into? The road has not been easy, I was informed after hire about the collaboration between Kemps Landing and Old Donation and that a new building would be built by 2017. The staff I had at Old Donation for the most part hated me. I was not what they were used to and only one of them really ever gave me a chance. She transferred to another school closer to home. By December of that year I was, called down to my Principals office and given the news that the manager at Kemps Landing wanted to take over the new school when they were to combine the following year which meant I would have to be placed elsewhere as she had seniority. My principal was upset, I was upset, I went back to my office and cried. Once again, my future was up in the air and I had no idea where I would be the next year. I got calls for interviews and I didn’t take them (Now I am glad I didn’t). I finished up the year, packed up ODC for the move into another building while they prepared to tear Old Donation down for the new building. It was the day after school ended that year that human resources called me again and told me the position was mine if I was still interested, the other manager didn’t want to move and another opportunity had come up for her as well. I was relieved and still unsure, simply because of the whole moving process across town, but at least I knew where I would be the following year. I spent the summer working for the summer program for the 2nd year in a row and getting my “new to me” building set up. Only one of my staff came with me to the new spot and I had transfers from other schools come in to fill a few spots but I never got a full staff  (even to this day). I didn’t get to pick any of these ladies and it was shaky. The one that followed me from the old building thought she could walk all over me (push me hard enough and I bite), I had a sub come fill a spot and she seemed great until I hired her for a permanent position and the shit hit the fan. I have stories you wouldn’t believe over these two and all I can say is I got alot of experience in dealing with problems 🙂 There have been major staff changes in the last few years and I can finally say even though I still don’t have a full permanent staff, I have 4 contracted employees and one regular sub that have been fabulous for me the last year and a half. I even have a few subs on stand-by that like to come fill in when there is a need because they love being with us. That is great to know! We are not perfect but we can work through one another’s quirks and we really do make a great team. If I have nothing else going for me, I can at least get my job right. 

That brings me to today, I went on my first tour of the new building. It was built on the former ODC site that I’d left behind. I am excited, nervous, happy, proud all in one and that doesn’t even accurately describe all that I am feeling. This project has been years in the making. I pulled up to the site and this is what I saw

The emotions pouring through me were almost overwhelming. It was becoming real. This is where I will be more than likely finishing out my school career because I have no intention of leaving the Old Donation family unless I have to. This is home, I feel it in my being and have from the moment I walked into the office at ODC for that interview. Imagine that.. a self proclaimed artist working with a school specifically designed for Advanced Academics and Arts 🙂 

I walked through this tour alongside a decent sized group and we “ooh-ed” and “ahh-ed” at the sheer size, artistry in detail, and eco-friendly features. There are multiple dance studios, hallways built for “out of the box” learning, a schola, an outdoor amphitheater, a black box stage, an auditorium with balcony seating, art studios, science labs, a roof top garden, I am surely forgetting something. I am in awe. That doesn’t even get into the kitchen yet. I will have the most up to date equipment possible, it will require a training session for my staff to learn how to properly use and maintain all the goodies we have at our fingertips. 

I am nervous, the transition will be crazy and I probably won’t have everything the way I want it until into the next school year and that’s ok. 

The building is beautiful, I wish I had taken more photos but I was distracted by all there was to see. 

I am beyond excited to be here and I don’t know what exactly the future holds but I have something to focus on and look forward to and that, in itself, is a wonderful thing!

After the year I have had, it’s about damn time something amazing happened.

Til next time,

Hangin’ in, never giving up, Phoenix on rebuild, Jen

coming to terms

I will never be perfect, blonde (I was once and I will never go back), my body will never bounce back to its once youthful glow. I am covered in scars, marks, highly visible veins, and loose, old lady like skin. Underneath it all I have a heart of gold that is highly guarded but will do anything to crack a smile on a loved ones face. I’d move mountains to make them happy. I am also highly empathetic and take on the vibes from those around me and it sucks. I love that I can feel things so deeply but it means I feel everything intensified.

I am going through separation not only from my spouse but from my kids as well. My kids still live at their home and come to stay with me sometimes. Within a matter of months I lost my apartment, car, and most of my belongings due to flooding and the discovery of asbestos. The flooding has hit me pretty hard and it’s not so much the loss, yes I lost some pretty special, irreplaceable stuff but the fear and panic of those hours watching the water invade my home and not being able to do a thing about it have broken a piece of me I am not sure can be fixed. At times, I have become irritable, forgetful, sometimes reckless with my decisions, lonely, impulsive, and depressed. I won’t always answer when you call. I have always had major highs and lows but this is a whole other ball of wax.

Last week, I made the decision I had been dreading for a long time under the encouragement of my primary doctor. I made an appointment for therapy. The appointment is tomorrow and that makes me anxious in itself.  I am high functioning and can carry on when necessary but there have been a few occasions in the last 2 months where I couldn’t carry on. What upset me the most about one of them is that I reached out to a few people for help and I was blown off. (If you were one of them and are reading, please don’t be offended. I hold no ill will and understand) Perhaps because I had never reached out before, IDK. I can’t and won’t get into detail here. I typically go off on my own to deal with problems before I share them, if I share them.  I have flashbacks and triggers can be as simple as seeing pictures of things, remembering  something and then realizing something in the memory was taken from me. I have since come in contact with a few items I thought I would never see again. What I managed to pack into my car that wasn’t destroyed anyway, I have since put in my storage closet outside. I can’t bring them inside my new place because they trigger.  I have a couple of outlets. Music being a major one and my 2 twin souls as I like to call them. Some of us are lucky if we find one, I have two. The 3 of us are pretty fucked up but I can speak without fear or judgement and it makes me love them that much more. One I have known for years while the other only made their appearance a little more than a month ago. Problem there is, sometimes even though I know I could, I don’t always go to them either. I don’t know how this appointment will go, I can only hope for the best. 

That said, I read a post today that questioned, “If you had a reset button for your life, would you push it”? Absofuckinglutely not! I still believe in destiny and that what is meant to be will be. I also believe that our love, pain, loss, struggles, triumphs, and victories, continuously shape who we are. Sometimes that’s how we have to learn.. because there is no other way aside from experience. I’m still working on me. I have been for 6yrs now and I’m not done. It will be an endless journey til the day I die. My journey of self discovery and care began with that night I thought I was going to die of a heart attack. It planted a seed that I tended for a couple of years before I had the courage “sprout”and start making changes in myself. Change can be scary, but it’s the only way we’ll grow. 

I’m doing the best I can, with what I have. I wish I had a little more support some days but it is what it is. It’s taken me 30 something yrs to make the step into therapy.  

A song came to mind when I read the topic on what you would do with a switch and Garth Brooks, The Dance came to mind

“Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance” 

https://youtu.be/2Ru1M6dY0cY

This is where I will leave you

Until next time,

Rising Phoenix, lover of song and dance, swore I’d never let anyone call me Jenny again, I miss you -Jen

What I can promise you..

(some people use art as an outlet, I do as well, some draw. I dance, sing, and write)

The other day…it was, what I can’t be, because I was in a shit mood. This is the other side

 

What I can promise you, if given the chance..

Endless goofiness

Spontaneous music driven drives to nowhere and everywhere

Midnight strolls along the ocean, they’re my favorite.. there’s something about the water

Hugs, hugs, and hugs

Dark, sarcastic, and often inappropriate  humor

Dancing like fools, anywhere there’s room and time, even if there isn’t time

Emotional outbursts or shut downs when shit gets too heavy, I’ll hold you down as well

Breaking out in song at random moments because something reminded me of a song

Coffee, lots of coffee

Brutal Honesty, even when it hurts

Jokes, I laugh at my own because I am just that funny

I’ll stand by as long as you let me

 

 

And I cry…

It’s been almost 8weeks since my life turned upside down thanks to flooding from Hurricane Matthew on October 8th, 2016.

In a nutshell, no one expected much from this storm in our area but boy, were we wrong. 

I was alone in my apartment watching a show on Netflix and noticed how high the water was getting outside. We expected wind gusts and rain just not as much as we got. by 8pm Saturday night on Oct 8, there was already 2-3 inches of water where my car was parked in the lot in front of my building. I needed to go to the store and wanted to do it before it got any worse, wind-wise. As soon as I pulled out onto the main road, Lynhaven Parkway I already began to regret my decision to leave. The road was flooding on both sides, I had to drive in the middle of the two lane road to get  through safely. I opted to hit 7-11 and then go back home. The ride was scary, visibility was bad, and the roads were becoming rivers. It still didn’t set in my mind that it would  get bad enough in the complex where I lived. I got out of my car for the last time ever that night as it would soon become engulfed in water. 

It was 11pm when I noticed the water creeping up to my back door and I glanced out the front windows to see the parking lot where the water was creeping up the walkway to the front of my building. By 11:20pm water was creeping in from every possible way, first the baseboards in my living room and the track of the sliding glass door, I frantically started moving things off the floor in an attempt to save what I could hoping the water would stop before it got any deeper. That’s when I noticed it creeping into my front door and through the pipe openings in the bathroom. I kept moving things til the water got ankle deep and I grabbed towels to dry my feet, my tablet, phone, charger, cigarettes and some junk I grabbed from 7-11 and made camp on my bed watching as the water continued to rise around me. I don’t know that I had ever been more scared, yet calm in my life. I retreated, knowing there was  nothing I could do and no one was going to be able to get to me.  I fell asleep before the water made it to the base of my bed and woke again about 2am to see the water was that high. It seemed to have stopped but it wasn’t going anywhere. I stayed in bed til 8am when the water had mostly receded from my apartment at least and then got up to look around. I couldn’t believe it. Some things had floated down the hall, there was water in the bottom of my chest of drawers, the drawer under my oven, and there was still an inch or so of water in the kitchen where an earth worm floated by me.

I went back to my bed and watched out my open window the brave ones that chose to wade through the water out front that got to be waist deep in some spots. I wasn’t necessarily in denial but didn’t know what else to do. I smoked in the apartment which I NEVER do. I was alone. I watched all day out the window, made a video I posted online of a walk through of my apartment and I couldn’t speak through part of it because I had choked up.

I’m looking around at my life collections, books, vinyl records, dvd/Blu-ray and Vhs tapes  ruined, 2 of them irreplaceable  my wedding and my son’s ultrasound tape. I just realized as I type that those were there. I had handled everything pretty well aside from a few emotional outbursts here and there. I remained positive for the most part until today. 

To catch anyone unaware up to speed, my car was totalled, my apartment had a foot worth of water damage the complex was going to repair and put me in a hotel until they were finished. On 10-21 I got word my lease was terminated on grounds that asbestos was discovered while they opened up the walls. The complex was going to extend my hotel stay to Nov 2nd. I had until then to find a new car and new home which I did, reluctantly. I missed my car terribly and I left alot behind in the apartment because I thought I was going back within a month. Not anymore, they began asbestos abatement and told me that they would save what they could and it could be 5 months before I could get anything left behind that was deemed “safe”. I left with a couple uniforms for work , my laptop, tv, a few electronics, and enough clothes to get me through a few weeks and shoes. Not much really. The only things I would have had to replace at that point would have been furniture. Not anymore thanks to asbestos. Until you are put in a position like this, you will never fully understand what this is like. I used to collect lighthouses, Minions, Nightmare Before Christmas items, movies, books, cds. All of it, gone. I had a guitar and viola in one closet along with Rock band instruments for my Wii, a sewing machine,  a Donovan  McNabb Official Jersey, costumes for Halloween, my cap and gown from graduation, my wedding dress,  a formal gown, various dresses,  a multitude of jackets, and other clothes. I had a closet dedicated to work uniforms from both jobs. 4 yrs in my current position meant at least 20 uniform shirts alone. There were unofficial shirts we would wear for special occasions special ordered. My kids baby books, my 3 pairs of cowboy boots that I absolutely loved.. gone. This is not even half of it. I see photos and there are things I recognize that were left behind and I either get angry or I cry. I have had nightmares from the night of, and have also had a few anxiety attacks more recently when a memory comes back. I am NOT okay. 
The tip of the iceberg hit today when I found out there were items to be claimed from my apartment but they were under a tarp outside in the fucking rain! I went over to check it out only to see the reality that a 4-5ft pile of shit wrapped in a tarp was all that remained of my 2 bedroom apartment and I couldn’t even really get into it in the rain. It wasn’t sheltered and it sat in the grass and mud. I felt sick. It was happening all over again. I had  a glimmer of hope that SOMETHING remained. I drove home and sobbed. I hate this and I wish no one would ever have to go through this. 

There will be someone that says… “Those things are THINGS and you survived, blah blah blah” I am well aware that things are replaceable and I do still believe that things happen for a reason but it doesn’t lessen the pain of the reality of now. I really do fear I will never get over this to the point where I have decided I won’t collect anything anymore. If I can’t eat it, drive it, use it for my kids, f*ck it, or enjoy it daily, I don’t want to waste my money on it. I am changed forever. I don’t view possessions the same way anymore. I don’t buy it if I don’t NEED it. Some will say that’s a good thing and others won’t agree but it is growth and I’ve learned a few very hard lessons in a short amount of time. I will continue to survive and get stronger each day. As much as I’d like to be, I am not done yet. 

Eye of the Tiger,

Rising Phoenix, Jill of most trades, survivor- Jen

Choose your words wisely, you can’t take them back once they’ve left your lips

It’s now been 5.5 weeks since my life was turned irrevocably around. I am both physically and emotionally drained. I am taking each day as it comes and remain  positive about the whole thing. This evening, I fell apart for the first time in more than a week. Record!! My despair had changed into anger and now it flip flops between anger and sadness. I took the opportunity 2 weekends ago to spend some time with 2 of my nieces and nephews knowing I could make them laugh and vice versa. I use music and humor as coping mechanisms. If I can make someone else laugh, it makes me laugh and I experience that joy if only for a few minutes. 

I am forgetting basic words for everyday objects , names, and forgetting things that are or have been second nature to me. My hair has been falling out and my skin itches. It’s affecting me physically and mentally. I do my best to get through each day with a smile. 

I was verbally attacked this evening by someone I love dearly and it was enough to shut me down for at least 20 minutes. Using words as weapons is not much different than physical abuse and is a total bitch/dick move especially when it comes from someone you’d lay your own life down for. It stings much worse because bruises and broken bones will heal. Emotional  damage stays with you and haunts you sometimes for the rest of your life. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong woman but the right words can knock just about anyone down and make you question your entire being. 

Moral of the story, watch your fucking mouth! The damage your angry tongue makes is not reversible. I’m tired of walking on eggshells to make other people happy. I’m not a damn circus monkey and I won’t be a robot whose buttons you so like to push as you choose. You can love me or hate me. That’s typically how this story goes. “I’m pissed off, let me say some dumb shit that I know will hurt you.” I am far from perfect and I can’t reverse every mistake I’ve ever made and I shouldn’t have to pay for them over and over at your bidding.

I’ve done the best I can with what I’ve been given and strive to be better and stronger everyday.

This whole experience has hit me alot harder than I’ve let anyone know until recently. 

Til later,

Looney Jen 

What it’s like

As most of my readers know, I was hit pretty hard by Hurricane Matthew the weekend of October 8th, 2016. I didn’t quite realize what a roller coaster the last month would be. It was devastating enough watching the water seep into my home, but what would happen over the span of the next 30 days was both shocking and amazing.

 I lost my car, insurance totaled her out and I was given a rental car til I found my replacement car. I was able to purchase another vehicle outright  with the insurance money so I still have no car payment!! I was very leary of the process of finding another car. I loved mine, had just replaced all 4 tires, she was in great shape  and well maintained.

 

My 2004 Toyota Camry

The 2016 Toyota Camry (my rental)

The changing of the guard, Returning the rental and beginning new adventures in Honda-land.

My new ride, older but still full of bells and whistles. 2002 Honda Accord. We are becoming great friends 🙂

 I was put up in two different hotels by my leasing office, one in Chesapeake (which was a total shit hole) and then transferred to a beautiful oceanfront hotel with a balcony and oceanside view.

It was a great lil between spot before getting my new place. 

I got to explore the oceanfront area a bit and discovered a local treasure I was previously unaware of, the Abbey Road restaurant. It’s a Beatles themed spot (I am a huge fan) with so much to look at and take in, more than one trip is a must!! The food could taste like shit and I would still go. Granted, it did not! I took my son with me and while he wasn’t as enthusiastic as I was, I know he still had a good time. We took a little time to walk around and take in some of the scenery before leaving. 

I had a blast!!

I went searching for places to call home and considered moving in with a dear friend and her girls when in reality we all knew I couldn’t do that. I need my space and roomies are not for me. I spun off on my own and found a cute lil place not far from where I was. It’s smaller but it’s been completely renovated, all new everything! 

I believe everything happens for a reason. Losing my apartment and most of what I own has taught me a few things.

I was a huge collector  of things, books, lighthouses, Nightmare Before Christmas, and yes, Minions. All of those things are gone. Wasted money that I will never get back. It’s cool to admire things but more importantly, invest in time spent with the people that mean something to you. My school/work community has come together in a HUGE way to support me in rebuilding my life and my family after the storm. I never expected the outpouring of help. They have been bringing me dinner or giving me gift cards for dinner and I haven’t had to cook in my new place since I’ve been here. Someone gave up an entire bedroom suite, bedframe, 2 nightstands, dresser with mirror, chest of drawers, and a hope chest, all solid wood to help me out. My daughter got a new bed from a co-worker to replace her damaged one along with linens and things. Same family provided a bookshelf that I use for an entertainment center, its actually pretty cool that way, a coffee table, another bed frame, etc. An office associate and PTA members set me up with a ton of kitchen items. There was a collection of donations set up for me with which I used to replace my mattress set and a few other small things.There’s so much I could take days listing it all. It’s been amazing and unbelievable that all of these people stepped in a helped in such a huge way. I am completely humbled by the generosity of my work family. Family is most definitely what we are  and I will NEVER forget it. You see, while I had renter’s insurance, flood was not covered. All of my personal property that was soaked was lost and now with the discovery of asbestos, I won’t be able to claim much of what I salvaged from the water. Irreplaceable things like both of my kid baby books are left behind. I am still haunted by this whole situation. I have good days, great days, and some prettt bad ones. I get upset when I go to look  for something I had, for instance, a jacket, dress, shoes (3 beautiful pairs of boots) and realize it’s not here because it’s sealed into my asbestos contained apartment.

It has been heartbreaking knowing all of those things I worked hard for are gone. I still cry some days when I think about it. It’s been a little over a month since the storm. I never would have imagined my life would take this turn but again, I believe that everything happens for a reason. How long would I have been there before asbestos was discovered? I had only moved in there in August. I never would have realized exactly how blessed I am to be a part of my school which I have always been proud of but now even more so.

Most importantly, I realized who is really there for me and who comes around only for what they can get put of me. Message recieved loud and clear. I am done with “fair-weather friends”. Time is precious and I’m going to choose to spend mine  with those that count. 

In a nutshell, things are coming together slowly and I am genuinely happy. There’s always room for change, that’s how we grow.

Time and time again, this Phoenix rises from the ashes, more powerful than ever.

Get ready for more, I’m not finished yet.

Til next time,

Rising Phoenix, lessons learned, I got you even if you don’t have me,  -Jen 

the Phoenix always rises from her ashes; her story isn’t over yet but damn it! There are days I wish it would just end

I actually wrote this the afternoon before my life was turned upside down by the outskirts of Hurricane Matthew. 10-8-16 That’s another story. I’d been debating sharing since I got the words typed out. I have been struggling with alot of things while undergoing major changes in the last few years and discovering things about myself that I never realized before. Things like, my strength and perseverance.. I am so much stronger than I let myself believe in the past and I am flying with it. 

I  have fought long and hard to be where I am today. Sometimes I have been afraid to leave my house. Others, I have left and can’t  bring myself to get out of my car, and still others…. I push on as if there were never a problem. Mostly the latter.
We are told that we are special, irreplaceable, unique, no one could take our place but it’s  a lie. The truth is if I walked out on either of my jobs, there would be someone in the wings ready to take my place. If I never shopped my favorite store (hypothetically, because I hate shopping) there would be other customers to take my place. I have been replaced in the lives of former lovers and friends and the world still continues on. Beauty, wits, scars, a heart of gold, possessions don’t alter the outcome. You can be replaced for reasons you may never understand. I have spent the last month wallowing in self pity, wondering  what I did wrong, what would have made things turn out differently , questioning my general awesomeness (deep inside I know I am pretty awesome) because it was so easy for people and one in particular  to walk away. It makes no sense to me, shit doesn’t add up. My memories betray me and there isn’t much around that doesn’t  make me think about them. A song (more than one), a place, a feeling, smells, a sarcastic comeback. I’m haunted, what I feel inside sometimes stings. Some days I walk around like a zombie going through the motions to get through another day and others I’m high and walking on clouds. Those are the moments in which I allow myself to forget. I joke about how I sometimes  regret working the hours I do but if I didn’t , I’m  not so sure I’d  have survived this long. I try to keep positive for those around me and for myself as well. I’m  doing the best that I can but I am tired. I keep wondering  when it will all be better. Will I run myself ragged for the rest of my life? I’m not the only one that feels this way. I’m  by no means alone but when the darkness comes, it can be overwhelming  and it will make you believe you’re not worthy of anything, much less happiness. I know I am worthy, please don’t think that I am never happy because I find joy and solace in some of the smallest things but there are times those moments  of darkness take over and it feels like hell on earth. Like I got punched in the gut and there’s a gaping hole in my body waiting for the vultures to take over.  I over think and my imagination takes off running. I feel completely  and utterly  alone. This is nothing  new, it’s  a devilish mix of anxiety and depression and a survivor I will remain because this feeling will pass until the next time. A Phoenix always rises from her ashes to see another new day.  I miss being held, having someone to lie next to me and feel safe, and to get the “steve’s” in life for me. (Steve’s are what I call cockroaches, the BIG ones) Those fuckers are everywhere. I could go out any night of the week and find someone to take home, but that’s not what I want. I want what anyone else wants, to be accepted for all that I am and all that I’m not. Complete and total honesty. I will catch flack for this but as always… I’m  just being real. Know that your opinion is just that, YOUR OPINION. I share too much and I really shouldn’t  say these  things. But maybe, just maybe someone else can get some peace by realizing that they aren’t  alone, it’s  completely normal(whatever that really is), and while there are days a straight jacket sounds fun, that’s not where I belong. Why are we so afraid to be real? People might not like us, it might hurt feelings. I’m just scratching on the surface. Have a drink with me, the conversations  we’ll  have when the inhibitions fall would amaze or terrify you. Hell.. sometimes all it takes is a long car ride. And this, my friend, is where I leave you. With my soul slightly  lighter and hope for tomorrow. 

Little did I know what would happen later that night and into the wee hours of the next morning

Til next time,
-killer of steves, rising phoenix, a little unsteady but still kicking ass in every way, JEN

 

Just some thoughts

I work 3 jobs. One of which at a local gym. It’s not great work but I like it (most days). This evening, (actually earlier in the week but I am lazy and never finished this post. I came across one of the most physically beautiful but ugly person I’ve ever seen. This woman was walking on a treadmill and giving a disgusted look to an overweight woman working out on a leg machine in the aisle next to her. You could tell she was judging the other woman. I’m thinking to myself, regardless of how you feel about someone that’s overweight, why would you”stink-eye” an overweight woman who is working out at the gym.. just like you? When I see women and men like “leg machine lady” I get really excited. Why? Because they are in the gym working it and I don’t know if you remember this about me but I was once tipping the scales at almost 400lbs.  I try to make eye contact with them and smile because I want them to feel good about themselves without making a scene. I remember how hard it was for me to come to the gym or Zumba classes at 350lbs. I felt like people would treat me like “treadmill bitch” and laugh and ridicule me for showing up. This is why seeing people that are where I used to be at the gym makes me so happy! I am not perfect by any means and have learned through experience and observation that even those “perfect, hard bodies” have extreme self image issues. I have walked in on conversation between women who work out regularly and look fantastic talk about how “fat” they are. Part of me wants to slap some sense into them but I get it. I will always struggle with self image, but I am coming closer to acceptance and have recognized the reality that my idea of what I should be just plain isn’t realistic. My body is scarred, worn out, stretched, and hung up wet. I’m dealing the best I can with what I left myself to work with, plus is.. I feel better than ever physically and I will take that even with my loose, marked up skin.

I read facebook like the daily news multiple times a day and some stuff gets to me. Like the chicks that post about how “thirsty” men are and they don’t want that attention but you are posting pics of yourself with your boobs hanging out for all to see!!! What the “fork” is wrong with you? What do you expect to get from doing that? Ugh!!! 

A friend of mine recently divorced and has a problem with the fact that her husband left her for another woman. All the while, she’d been cheating on him through their entire relationship. Why is that ok for you, but not him??? Where is your brain? 

I’ve had “friends” judge me for things I’ve done all while they were out there doing things worse than me?? I’ve been around the block and I know alot more than I let on. I always have and I will let you continue to make an ass of yourself to help you save face but don’t think you have EVER had me fooled. Empaths can spot a lie a mile away, we just don’t always let on that we know OR I second guess myself because I don’t want to believe you lied to me. I take honesty seriously. I can’t lie, it conflicts my very being and I feel guilty so if I try, I end up telling on myself anyway. Truth always comes out in the end. Why try to hide it?(but thanks for thinking I’m stupid) 

Annual workshop for back to school was last week. I’m excited and terrified all at the same time. New paperwork, ordering guidelines, procedure makes my head spin but it will all be ok. I got some new toys for work I got to put together Friday. Workshop was entertaining hanging out with another manager friend or two and making another one that I am pretty sure didn’t like me giggle and laugh cause I can make things entertaining. Not everyone is cool enough to recognize a unique and awesome soul like mine right away.

And.. I have moved, it’s been barely more than a week. My kids have come to stay with me a few times so far and I’ve had a few solo nights. It’s weird and different but good. The apartment model is next door so I have the best entrance way,   carpeted and blanketed with flowers and bushes. I feel like royalty walking the carpet to my door each day.. yes, I’m lame! It’s a small 2 bedroom apartment but it’s all I really need. The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades!(if you sang that last line, we could be best friends) 

We took a personality test at workshop last week and before we even started, I told my friend.. mine is going to be off the charts because there is no explanation for me. It was a bunch of questions with 2 possible answers for each question and based upon those answers, you were supposed to fall into 1 of 4 categories. Mine was so close.. I got 12 maches for 2 categories, 11 for rhe 3rd and 13 for the 4th.. so pretty much that tells me.. I’m a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get! Hahaha 

I know I’m leaving stuff out because I’m scatter-brained right now and I have a headache but this is as close 5yo caught up as I can be right now. 

tschuss, readers!
Until next time,

Your rising Phoenix, Winner for life, super big ball of awesome, Jen

Life skills learned from Tetris among other shit (and they say nothing good can come from video games)MIL drama

Summer is flying by and with it change. Change is scary and good at the same time. Life is unpredictable and you have to move with the punches or you won’t survive. You may survive but you’ll be miserable. I am a creature of habit. I tend to stick to routines because they are comfortable but I am discovering more and more that it’s ok to change things up a bit and it makes things better sometimes. Having held down 2 jobs for the last almost 2 years now (just shy of a month or two?) I know for a fact that the more active you are, the better you feel. Some days wear more than others but for the most part I love keeping busy. I don’t know what to do with myself when there is nothing to do.  So I got restless and decided to rearrange the freezers/refrigerators at the summer job and this is where Tetris comes in. A walk in freezer is a “god-send” in a kitchen but the one I’ve been working out of has been a nightmare. I couldn’t find anything because it was packed like shit and there were multiple 2 door freezers throughout the building with the same items inside making it hard to place orders and keep an accurate inventory so I spent an hour or more (that’s how much time I have on my hands some days) rearranging and gathering like items and “playing tetris” with boxes getting things better organized. Hopefully the regular manager appreciates it when she comes back at the end of August and that I will have depleted a good chunk of excess inventory by then. I should have taken before/after photos because I am wicked proud of my accomplishments in this kitchen. I believe you should leave things better than they were when you arrive and I will. Last weekend (this was actually a few weeks ago now. I draft posts and get busy and forget about them)was pretty fabulous too aside from losing tons of pics from my phone. My Galaxy 6S that I got in November crapped out (heat damage I believe) and the only options I had were to send off my phone to Samsung without a loaner or factory reset after saving my photos which I thought I had done only to find only a fraction actually backed up and saved.. I was and am still soooo pissed. The reset didn’t work so I got a new phone and managed to also get a great deal on a new flatscreen tv for my apartment in the same trip. I now have the galaxy 7 and am still learning how to maneuver it. I have been on the hunt for a new bed as well and managed to talk a deal up with the salesman at The Dump on an already discounted amazing queen set. It is a foam and spring hybrid that feels like a piece of heaven! Things are falling into place and I am slated to move August 19th! It will be a new beginning, new freedom and a sense of independence I have never had AND a stone’s throw from the kids who can come and stay as they wish. I will not make them leave their home. I am super nervous and have a few more things I will need to get but the major stuff is done and I’m working on building up savings. I have taken on a 3rd job saturday mornings cleaning vacation rental houses. I have seen some of the most amazing homes in the last 6 weeks. It’s difficult work and we have been able to knock out 2 houses every week. Emotionally, I am coming into my own. I try not to let things get to me so much even though sometimes it is unavoidable. I have a great support system when I choose to use it but I still prefer to navigate my problems on my own and occasionlly use an ear or two to sound off frustration. I am still reeling from the realization that I may never get my best friend back and I am so scared she will pass on before I get the chance to go down and visit,  if her family will allow it. I spent a night after work last week (really a few weeks ago now)driving by our childhood homes reminiscing, letting the tears fall and having faith that while she may never be the same person I knew I got reassurance she is at least happy. I actually spent a few nights in the house I grew up in that week house-sitting for my parents and it was surreal thinking/looking back on all those memories flooding back. There is a spot in that bedroom ceiling  (now painted over) that I had written “I love Andrew McCarthy” lol. I love my family and we are far from perfect but there is a genuine unconditional love there that will never die. I got to spend a night talking with my mom which we don’t get to do very often due to my crazy ass schedule. I tended my dad’s massive gardens and it was therapeutic in a sense. I definitely don’t have the free time to keep a garden like that up on my own. Fresh, home grown tomatoes are the best!!! Today (again, weeks ago)I stopped by one of the local Salvation Army stores for shits and grins and found an entertainment center, end table, and chest of drawers, all solid wood for dirt cheap. I am sooo excited. 

It hasn’t been all great. Just when I thought things were going well on all fronts, a bomb was dropped on me again that week. I am fully aware that my mother in law has NEVER liked me but she pulled a big one on my family last week. (Again.. more than a week ago I’m lazy)Offered to buy Matt a car to be put in his name that Tami could drive on the condition that I signed a letter waiving all rights to the vehicle. Seriously? I HAVE MY OWN FUCKING CAR, WHY WOULD I WANT ANY PIECE OF SHIT YOU OFFERED UP? I got back to thinking on all the times my family has done things to help us out and never once was a condition set on any of it. Regardless of how things end up with Matt and I, the intention was not to ever take anything from him. I chose to get my own place, how would it be fair to ask him for anything? I am furnishing it on my own as well. We have our issues. That is the reason for this separation. I have things I need to figure out for myself. Call me an asshole if you choose,  but it’s something I need to do. I owe it to myself and my family whether anyone understands that or not. It really isn’t for you or anyone to understand. It’s my life and it’s worth it to me to not be such a miserable bitch all the time. I will not post details here. Some things are better left unsaid. In the end he turned down the car. I was miffed but I would have signed the letter and out of spite sent an email to my MIL thanking her for MY new car sonce I’m a bitch like that. No, I wouldn’t have taken it, but the satisfaction of sending the message would have tickled me pink. (And this is where I pick up with the new) Personal growth comes from doing things you are afraid of and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I am forever evolving, a true phoenix. I fall and every time I get back up I emerge stronger than before. 

I still train with a trainer every week because I still believe we all need a little push sometimes to make us better. I am a creature of habit that gets stuck into routine,  a trainer brings in fresh ideas and keeps me motivated to continue. Thanks to Reggie, I am currently on day 4 of post leg day DOMS… or delayed onset muscle soreness. Its only gelt in my left hamstring now but let me tell you, climbing up and down 3 and 4 flights of stairs Saturday AM was kinda painful but I love it, it lets me know I did something. Muscle soreness comes from the breaking down and rebuilding of muscle. It’s a necessary part of the process. I may never be where I want to be. I still carry alot of excess skin and some fat. The skin drives me insane to this day but I have to look on the bright side. My body feels better than ever. I have saggy bits now that will probably always remain unless I surgically repair it and Idk that that will ever happen at this point. I don’t wear sleeveless tops because my arms are atrocious and I don’t want to see them and sure as hell don’t want anyone else to see ’em! There are pics on file in the archives. Long time followers have seen them and stats reveal others search for them from time to time. (Wierdos)

Today I paid my first months rent and officially signed my lease. There’s no turning back. In 4 days I will have my very own place for the first time in my life.  It will be a struggle but I believe that struggle will be necessary and it will force me to overcome. I have been thinking about changing careers. I haven’t decided exactly what for but in the mean time.. I am seriously considering getting certified to become a Zumba instructor, if I do that, I could take on a class or two at the gym which would be awesome. Idk yet. Nothing is ever set in stone. I have dreams 🙂

This is where I leave you til next time

-Rising Phoenix, Beautiful Disaster, cheeky sarcastic chic, Jen