I threw his toothbrush away

Tiny as it might seem, it was a huge step for me. That meant I finally let go. Something I’d been wanting to do the entire last year but it was too “nice” to have someone around. “Nice” because if I’m honest with myself it wasn’t really “nice” at all.

I knew what I was getting into, I always do. Red flags pop up and I take a blind eye to them. I thought I had control. I thought I was okay if I had all the information at my fingertips and I never intended to fall. Fall, I did, and it was at the time my father passed and my “situationship” said he wanted to pay his respects by coming to the service. It was a turning moment. We spent the next 5 months cohabitating. By Thanksgiving he was essentially living with me. Living with me in the sense that he never really moved in but kept some things in a corner of my apartment. I took up with a wandering soul. Never satisfied in the same place for long. He was a dreamer and a talker. I’m a dreamer but I’m not a talker. My silence made him nervous and constantly question me. He always knew just what to say most of the time and then some bullshit would fly out of his mouth and THAT kept me at arms length ALOT. I couldn’t trust he was sticking around and I was right. He left me days after my birthday. Wasn’t even going to tell me. He kissed me goodbye that morning, touched my face and just looked at me for a few moments. He was “going to work” that am and kept coming back up for one thing or another that he forgot. He was always misplacing and forgetting things. After the 3rd time the door opened and closed I got up and went to the bathroom. Came out to make coffee and noticed things were missing from the landscape of my apartment. Mainly most of his things. I noticed my parking pass beside the front door.and his key on the counter. He hadn’t left yet. I told him he’d forgotten his bathroom items and I threw it all in a box and marched it down to his car. He was defensive and came up one last time when I threw a stuffed animal he’d given me at him.

I am emotionally devoid.. hard to be with.. he just can’t do it. He needs to figure things out. I’m a good woman but… (all that in a nutshell)

He left. Kept texting me like he had something to prove. I was devastated. How can you share so much of yourself with someone and just walk away at the drop of a hat? You can’t.. this was a long time coming and I knew it. I knew it from the day we met more than a yr ago. He wasn’t single. I found out in August and confronted him. He always had an answer for everything. I spoke with her when she had his phone and decided to call me because he’d left it behind. Hers was the name prominantly tattooed on his left arm.

They were finished. He got a new phone, came back to me and I waited for him to come by before I confronted the betrayal. There were excuses, “she was crazy” blah blah blah. I felt I had a full deck in my hand. I knew all the answers so I had control. We became lovers again.. but not in a relationship. I was ok as long as I knew I was the only one.

When he’d disappear I’d go on dates with other people. Nothing ever panned out and we’d end up back in one another’s arms. He was there the night my father died. After I got home from my parents house. He held and comforted me. I still couldn’t get too close. We had what I felt was a decent connection. And then he said he wanted to come to the service. I got hooked on his presence in my life. He is now trying to become a Jehovahs Witness. We do keep in contact. We shared a few nights even after he left and THEN he decided JW was the newest trend for his life. That brings me back to yesterday. The last remnant of his presence in my home is gone. I threw out his toothbrush and went on another date with someone new. It’s not the 1st I’ve been on since he’s been gone and I’m surely NOT counting my chicks before they hatch but that toothbrush in the trash is a turning point for me. I closed that door. Finally…

And that is where I leave you today.

Its a new day and I’m not settling again until it feels right

-Jwinner

Apparently I still have a Twitter and WP auto posts there for me..

I am finding myself in a “holding pattern”

I feel like life will never change for me. I’ll work 2 jobs the rest of my life. I’m not stupid.. I am aware I am capable of more but how when most of my time is already occupied by work so I can survive on my own?

My faith has been shattered and I struggle with what I believe in anymore. The truth is.. the only person you can trust is yourself. Even then.. can you trust that you’ll do the right things?

Depression is an ugly thing and if you’ve never been there, you have NO idea what it can do to a person. We all handle things differently. What’s good for the goose isn’t always good for the gander.

I’m back at the sink or swim part of my life again. I’m trying to take care of me. I pray that one day everything will magically fall into place but that’s not going to happen. Things don’t “magically” happen for anyone. It takes work. How much more work do I need to put in before I can get some sense of relief? I am not even close to having all of the answers. I know what I see and unfortunately I live in my head ALOT!

I have developed a couple close relationships in the last few years and I have re-examined the way I interact with other people. I will never be perfect and I have many faults but I’m figuring them out and doing my best to fix the bad. Sometimes thats all you can do.

I’m holding out on relationships until I can find the one I don’t have to feel like I need to be careful of my every word or move. Life’s to short to have to walk on eggshells in order to be “happy”. That’s not happiness to me and it never will be.. so until then.. I’m doing me and taking care of me.

Another day in the life of Jen

J.Winner