I actually wrote this the afternoon before my life was turned upside down by the outskirts of Hurricane Matthew. 10-8-16 That’s another story. I’d been debating sharing since I got the words typed out. I have been struggling with alot of things while undergoing major changes in the last few years and discovering things about myself that I never realized before. Things like, my strength and perseverance.. I am so much stronger than I let myself believe in the past and I am flying with it.
I have fought long and hard to be where I am today. Sometimes I have been afraid to leave my house. Others, I have left and can’t bring myself to get out of my car, and still others…. I push on as if there were never a problem. Mostly the latter.
We are told that we are special, irreplaceable, unique, no one could take our place but it’s a lie. The truth is if I walked out on either of my jobs, there would be someone in the wings ready to take my place. If I never shopped my favorite store (hypothetically, because I hate shopping) there would be other customers to take my place. I have been replaced in the lives of former lovers and friends and the world still continues on. Beauty, wits, scars, a heart of gold, possessions don’t alter the outcome. You can be replaced for reasons you may never understand. I have spent the last month wallowing in self pity, wondering what I did wrong, what would have made things turn out differently , questioning my general awesomeness (deep inside I know I am pretty awesome) because it was so easy for people and one in particular to walk away. It makes no sense to me, shit doesn’t add up. My memories betray me and there isn’t much around that doesn’t make me think about them. A song (more than one), a place, a feeling, smells, a sarcastic comeback. I’m haunted, what I feel inside sometimes stings. Some days I walk around like a zombie going through the motions to get through another day and others I’m high and walking on clouds. Those are the moments in which I allow myself to forget. I joke about how I sometimes regret working the hours I do but if I didn’t , I’m not so sure I’d have survived this long. I try to keep positive for those around me and for myself as well. I’m doing the best that I can but I am tired. I keep wondering when it will all be better. Will I run myself ragged for the rest of my life? I’m not the only one that feels this way. I’m by no means alone but when the darkness comes, it can be overwhelming and it will make you believe you’re not worthy of anything, much less happiness. I know I am worthy, please don’t think that I am never happy because I find joy and solace in some of the smallest things but there are times those moments of darkness take over and it feels like hell on earth. Like I got punched in the gut and there’s a gaping hole in my body waiting for the vultures to take over. I over think and my imagination takes off running. I feel completely and utterly alone. This is nothing new, it’s a devilish mix of anxiety and depression and a survivor I will remain because this feeling will pass until the next time. A Phoenix always rises from her ashes to see another new day. I miss being held, having someone to lie next to me and feel safe, and to get the “steve’s” in life for me. (Steve’s are what I call cockroaches, the BIG ones) Those fuckers are everywhere. I could go out any night of the week and find someone to take home, but that’s not what I want. I want what anyone else wants, to be accepted for all that I am and all that I’m not. Complete and total honesty. I will catch flack for this but as always… I’m just being real. Know that your opinion is just that, YOUR OPINION. I share too much and I really shouldn’t say these things. But maybe, just maybe someone else can get some peace by realizing that they aren’t alone, it’s completely normal(whatever that really is), and while there are days a straight jacket sounds fun, that’s not where I belong. Why are we so afraid to be real? People might not like us, it might hurt feelings. I’m just scratching on the surface. Have a drink with me, the conversations we’ll have when the inhibitions fall would amaze or terrify you. Hell.. sometimes all it takes is a long car ride. And this, my friend, is where I leave you. With my soul slightly lighter and hope for tomorrow.
Little did I know what would happen later that night and into the wee hours of the next morning
Til next time,
-killer of steves, rising phoenix, a little unsteady but still kicking ass in every way, JEN
Jennifer Winner -Highs and lows... 