We mature with the damage, not the years.

The Phoenix is supposed to always rise from its ashes and rebuild stronger each time. I have used this in reference to myself for the last 4 yrs along this fucked up journey called my life.

This is somewhat an open letter that you will never read and I no longer have the energy to spend trying..

You said that you wanted me to hate you. That I shouldn’t want to reconcile because you didn’t deserve it. You won, it has taken me almost 21yrs to see with fresh eyes the truth behind our entire relationship. It hurts, it still does. Except now, not only have I lost 20yrs of my life, I have also lost my kids because of what you have done to me. You brought them into the middle, told your sob story, and won them over meanwhile turning me into a monster. Hell, my daughter kept encouraging the split but that ultimately meant someone had to leave and that ended up being me which is now viewed as abandonment. I have lost.

Now I see you have moved on and it was quite a shock from the man who had no eyes for anyone else and never would.  *cough*bullshit*cough* You did it in your typical way, I shouldn’t have been surprised by this latest thing you and my kids hid from me. Hiding it until I discovered it on my own. I feel sorry for her as she has no clue what she has walked into. You have always made yourself out to be the nice guy and I was always the bad one. In reality, my dear, it was you that wore a mask for the world to see and I was true to myself. I defended you to your mother, you had me believing she was the devil incarnate and ruined your life when you left for boot camp by running up your credit cards and bills and not paying them. Now, with clear eyes, I can see that was all lies. I can even imagine all of the stories you have told LeAnn about me. You were abandoned along with the kids, one of which you took in cause she was not yours. Matt is the savior and I was the devil. Just like you blamed all of our financial issues on me when talking to your mom. I wonder why we never got along now. I remember all of your “woe is Matt” stories about your childhood and about how no one ever truly loved you. Your whole family was shit. I bought it all and resented them for it when in reality it was all lies. 

Your addictions tore us apart because you didn’t trust me enough to be honest about them. They made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I felt trapped because I thought I could never make it on my own, especially with 2 kids. I packed on 200+ lbs thanks to depression. We did have some good times when I believed that the “last time was the last time” until I would discover another hidden secret of yours. 

I sought outside affection, almost craved it because it made me feel alive and wanted. However, it only made me feel worse. I made mistakes too, I will never place all of the blame on you but God damn it.. this was such a bullshit marriage and I resent you. I feel sick because there’s a part of me that still loves you but it’s not healthy. 

When I left, it was supposed to be temporary. I needed to spread wings and we could use the break, I had been sleeping on the couch for at least 2 yrs. I wanted to start over if it was at all possible but we couldn’t seem to get over the past, you accused me of using you when we would go out and we did a few times. You conveniently don’t remember that part. Probably because you are in saint mode strengthening your hold on Leann with lies. I wanted to see who I was without you. We got married young, had kids young. I had 2 kids by the time I turned 22 and to say that aloud and read that mystifies me to this day. We were kids!! 

There are always two sides to every story. Thank you for not being totally honest about my part. I have always been honest with you, and it killed me that you could never be that way with me. You never thought I would go through with leaving and I did. I know that stung, but why? You would tell my family that you were sure I was going to leave time and time again cause you screwed up again but this was a surprise? Probably the same way this still stings for me. I thought we could get through anything but I think in reality it was really that neither of us thought we could get on without the other and had not the guts to do anything about it. 

Surprise! 

I have spent the last 4 days falling apart. It wasn’t always bad, it really wasn’t but was it all just a facade? Was it just because I hadn’t learned of the latest betrayal? I don’t know. Although I absolutely hate you right now, this too shall pass and it will be ok. You carry a sliver of my heart that I will never get back. The past 4 months have wreaked their havoc on me and I take each day as they come. I am broken and bruised but if I can make it through, I know it will eventually get better. I’m at my wits end and honestly don’t know how much more I can handle. Now, I hold onto a sliver of hope, being the silver lining type of person that I am, but it’s fading. I don’t feel there is anything left for me without the love and support of my kids. 

Til next time,

Let’s see if there’s any fire left in the Phoenix -Jen

Choose your words wisely, you can’t take them back once they’ve left your lips

It’s now been 5.5 weeks since my life was turned irrevocably around. I am both physically and emotionally drained. I am taking each day as it comes and remain  positive about the whole thing. This evening, I fell apart for the first time in more than a week. Record!! My despair had changed into anger and now it flip flops between anger and sadness. I took the opportunity 2 weekends ago to spend some time with 2 of my nieces and nephews knowing I could make them laugh and vice versa. I use music and humor as coping mechanisms. If I can make someone else laugh, it makes me laugh and I experience that joy if only for a few minutes. 

I am forgetting basic words for everyday objects , names, and forgetting things that are or have been second nature to me. My hair has been falling out and my skin itches. It’s affecting me physically and mentally. I do my best to get through each day with a smile. 

I was verbally attacked this evening by someone I love dearly and it was enough to shut me down for at least 20 minutes. Using words as weapons is not much different than physical abuse and is a total bitch/dick move especially when it comes from someone you’d lay your own life down for. It stings much worse because bruises and broken bones will heal. Emotional  damage stays with you and haunts you sometimes for the rest of your life. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong woman but the right words can knock just about anyone down and make you question your entire being. 

Moral of the story, watch your fucking mouth! The damage your angry tongue makes is not reversible. I’m tired of walking on eggshells to make other people happy. I’m not a damn circus monkey and I won’t be a robot whose buttons you so like to push as you choose. You can love me or hate me. That’s typically how this story goes. “I’m pissed off, let me say some dumb shit that I know will hurt you.” I am far from perfect and I can’t reverse every mistake I’ve ever made and I shouldn’t have to pay for them over and over at your bidding.

I’ve done the best I can with what I’ve been given and strive to be better and stronger everyday.

This whole experience has hit me alot harder than I’ve let anyone know until recently. 

Til later,

Looney Jen 

Homeless

October 8, 2016 

Just another day, the weather was beautiful. I spent the morning on my back porch with coffee (smokes.. shhh), my tablet and phone and enjoyed the fresh air. I was a little down. I let things get to me sometimes and this am I let it out via blog that I have had on hold since then. So the morning turns to afternoon, I decide it’s time to color my hair, complete with tunes blaring (when are they not in my home?) I ventured out of the apartment about 8pm. The weather turned rapidly from beautiful to miserable, fast falling, rain. I needed to go to the store (smokes again… shhh) I made it to my car and I noticed a few inches of water built up around the car. I left anyway and almost instantly regretted it. Water was falling fast and piling up on both sides of the road. I had to drive in the center of a two lane road the whole way to and fro. I made it back to water covering my boots in the lot and still I didnt realize then, just how bad it would get and that it would be the last time I ever drove my car. The wind is howling, I gave in and started season one of Orange is the New black. I was determined to never watch it. I couldn’t stand hearing about everyone talking about it.. about now,  all over facebook people are reporting power going in and out or losing it completely. I notice the water creeping higher in the lot and started getting nervous as it climbed higher and higher up the tires of my car. I go to my back door and see the water inching closer to my sliding glass door and I started getting nervous. In the back of my mind I am thinking, it never floods here, it will recede. It’s about 11pm and a   good 3 inches from over taking my sliding glass door which is raised from the ground by 4 inches. By 11:20 it started creeping in from my baseboards. My carpet starts bubbling. I go into panic mode moving furniture off the ground as much as I could. I threw stuff into the bathroom tub thinking it would be safe. Water is creeping in now from every direction. All I could do is cry. I gathered my phone, tablet, a bottle of water and the candy bar I bought from 7-11 and brought them to my bed. The water is now ankle deep. I took  towels to dry my feet and to keep from gettimg my blankets wet to the bed and watched it continue to rise until I passed out. I had visions from a novel I read years ago coming true. It was the storm from Nicholas Sparks “Nights in Rodanthe” when the surf invades the beach house and the woman  is confined to the second story until the water receded. I was about 6inches deep then. When I woke at 2am, it was about a foot up the wall and touching the frame and bottom of my boxspring. I was on an “island”, reminiscent of a game we played as kids. My dad would lay in the floor and grab for our feet/limbs from the couch and try to pull us “down to the crocs”. The memory was comforting but I lay there crying waoting for the water to recede. It was down to an inch or so by 8am Oct 9th. I started assessing the full damages. You coukd see the water marks up the walls and furniture and then I noticed my 3 pairs of leather boots in the tub, wet. Water backed up the drain and got them. There was still water in the kitchen floor where a worm swam by my dishwasher. I lost books from my bookshelf, collections of dvds, records/vinyl. The realizations added up. I looked out the windows to see my car up to the door frame submerged. My heart sank. MY CAR!!!!  I then started taking video and photos and spent the day trying to salvage what I could in between bouts of tears. I never lost power. In fact that evening, I cooked dinner on my stove top with no problem. It was then my kids comvinced me to come to the house to sleep. The house got a couple inches of water too but nothing like mine. All three of us lost our cars, my daughter just bought hers days before it flooded out. It was heartbreaking all over. I have never been so scared in my life aside from when I got the call that my daughter was hit in the face by a softball that ricocheted off a pole and broke her nose on both sides and cracked her facial plate. That was an interesting night! 

The first 3 days following, I cried. I didn’t know what to do. It was a waiting game with insurance companies, car, Homeowners, and renters. I am still dealing. I have been in 2 hotels now, currently on the Virginia Beach oceanfront where I am booked til the 31st. It sucks but at least I get to be near the water, a source of calm for me… even now considerng my nightmares. At least the ocean is supposed to be there… the water in my home  was not supposed to be. It took 4 days to get into a rental car and it was a great feeling albeit not my car.. I was tear free until the day I noticed the demolition crew got to my place and half the walls had been cut out.

It sucks right now, but in time we will all be laughing about this. I can’t wait for that day. I would never wish this experience on anyone. I now have to go car shopping and wait on renters insurance to decide whether or not they will cover any of my losses. One of which I was so proud to have bought this summer, my super huge, plush, comfortable as sin? mattress set. I fear I wont be able to replace it with anything comparable especially for the deal I got on it. My car, of course, as well. I had a nice, reliable, paid off car with no issues and now she’s gone. The memories I have in this car? Priceless. I drove her down to Georgia  and back  in the summer of 2015, longest driving trip I personally ever drove. Vinyl records I was proud of. Queen, the Pretty in Pink and Top Gun soundtracks, a George Carlin album among just a few. My living room furniture.Yes, all material things that don’t matter on the end but I busted my ass for all of that stuff with my own money or had passed down a couple pieces. It sucks, but again, one day I will laugh like the “ever rebuilding Phoenix” I have always been but only discovered in the last 3 yrs. I may not be unbreakable but my ambition and drive are a force to be reckoned with, I promise you that. 

I will rise from these ashes again, stronger and more beautiful than ever

Until next time,

Unbreakable -Jen

the Phoenix always rises from her ashes; her story isn’t over yet but damn it! There are days I wish it would just end

I actually wrote this the afternoon before my life was turned upside down by the outskirts of Hurricane Matthew. 10-8-16 That’s another story. I’d been debating sharing since I got the words typed out. I have been struggling with alot of things while undergoing major changes in the last few years and discovering things about myself that I never realized before. Things like, my strength and perseverance.. I am so much stronger than I let myself believe in the past and I am flying with it. 

I  have fought long and hard to be where I am today. Sometimes I have been afraid to leave my house. Others, I have left and can’t  bring myself to get out of my car, and still others…. I push on as if there were never a problem. Mostly the latter.
We are told that we are special, irreplaceable, unique, no one could take our place but it’s  a lie. The truth is if I walked out on either of my jobs, there would be someone in the wings ready to take my place. If I never shopped my favorite store (hypothetically, because I hate shopping) there would be other customers to take my place. I have been replaced in the lives of former lovers and friends and the world still continues on. Beauty, wits, scars, a heart of gold, possessions don’t alter the outcome. You can be replaced for reasons you may never understand. I have spent the last month wallowing in self pity, wondering  what I did wrong, what would have made things turn out differently , questioning my general awesomeness (deep inside I know I am pretty awesome) because it was so easy for people and one in particular  to walk away. It makes no sense to me, shit doesn’t add up. My memories betray me and there isn’t much around that doesn’t  make me think about them. A song (more than one), a place, a feeling, smells, a sarcastic comeback. I’m haunted, what I feel inside sometimes stings. Some days I walk around like a zombie going through the motions to get through another day and others I’m high and walking on clouds. Those are the moments in which I allow myself to forget. I joke about how I sometimes  regret working the hours I do but if I didn’t , I’m  not so sure I’d  have survived this long. I try to keep positive for those around me and for myself as well. I’m  doing the best that I can but I am tired. I keep wondering  when it will all be better. Will I run myself ragged for the rest of my life? I’m not the only one that feels this way. I’m  by no means alone but when the darkness comes, it can be overwhelming  and it will make you believe you’re not worthy of anything, much less happiness. I know I am worthy, please don’t think that I am never happy because I find joy and solace in some of the smallest things but there are times those moments  of darkness take over and it feels like hell on earth. Like I got punched in the gut and there’s a gaping hole in my body waiting for the vultures to take over.  I over think and my imagination takes off running. I feel completely  and utterly  alone. This is nothing  new, it’s  a devilish mix of anxiety and depression and a survivor I will remain because this feeling will pass until the next time. A Phoenix always rises from her ashes to see another new day.  I miss being held, having someone to lie next to me and feel safe, and to get the “steve’s” in life for me. (Steve’s are what I call cockroaches, the BIG ones) Those fuckers are everywhere. I could go out any night of the week and find someone to take home, but that’s not what I want. I want what anyone else wants, to be accepted for all that I am and all that I’m not. Complete and total honesty. I will catch flack for this but as always… I’m  just being real. Know that your opinion is just that, YOUR OPINION. I share too much and I really shouldn’t  say these  things. But maybe, just maybe someone else can get some peace by realizing that they aren’t  alone, it’s  completely normal(whatever that really is), and while there are days a straight jacket sounds fun, that’s not where I belong. Why are we so afraid to be real? People might not like us, it might hurt feelings. I’m just scratching on the surface. Have a drink with me, the conversations  we’ll  have when the inhibitions fall would amaze or terrify you. Hell.. sometimes all it takes is a long car ride. And this, my friend, is where I leave you. With my soul slightly  lighter and hope for tomorrow. 

Little did I know what would happen later that night and into the wee hours of the next morning

Til next time,
-killer of steves, rising phoenix, a little unsteady but still kicking ass in every way, JEN

 

Just some thoughts

I work 3 jobs. One of which at a local gym. It’s not great work but I like it (most days). This evening, (actually earlier in the week but I am lazy and never finished this post. I came across one of the most physically beautiful but ugly person I’ve ever seen. This woman was walking on a treadmill and giving a disgusted look to an overweight woman working out on a leg machine in the aisle next to her. You could tell she was judging the other woman. I’m thinking to myself, regardless of how you feel about someone that’s overweight, why would you”stink-eye” an overweight woman who is working out at the gym.. just like you? When I see women and men like “leg machine lady” I get really excited. Why? Because they are in the gym working it and I don’t know if you remember this about me but I was once tipping the scales at almost 400lbs.  I try to make eye contact with them and smile because I want them to feel good about themselves without making a scene. I remember how hard it was for me to come to the gym or Zumba classes at 350lbs. I felt like people would treat me like “treadmill bitch” and laugh and ridicule me for showing up. This is why seeing people that are where I used to be at the gym makes me so happy! I am not perfect by any means and have learned through experience and observation that even those “perfect, hard bodies” have extreme self image issues. I have walked in on conversation between women who work out regularly and look fantastic talk about how “fat” they are. Part of me wants to slap some sense into them but I get it. I will always struggle with self image, but I am coming closer to acceptance and have recognized the reality that my idea of what I should be just plain isn’t realistic. My body is scarred, worn out, stretched, and hung up wet. I’m dealing the best I can with what I left myself to work with, plus is.. I feel better than ever physically and I will take that even with my loose, marked up skin.

I read facebook like the daily news multiple times a day and some stuff gets to me. Like the chicks that post about how “thirsty” men are and they don’t want that attention but you are posting pics of yourself with your boobs hanging out for all to see!!! What the “fork” is wrong with you? What do you expect to get from doing that? Ugh!!! 

A friend of mine recently divorced and has a problem with the fact that her husband left her for another woman. All the while, she’d been cheating on him through their entire relationship. Why is that ok for you, but not him??? Where is your brain? 

I’ve had “friends” judge me for things I’ve done all while they were out there doing things worse than me?? I’ve been around the block and I know alot more than I let on. I always have and I will let you continue to make an ass of yourself to help you save face but don’t think you have EVER had me fooled. Empaths can spot a lie a mile away, we just don’t always let on that we know OR I second guess myself because I don’t want to believe you lied to me. I take honesty seriously. I can’t lie, it conflicts my very being and I feel guilty so if I try, I end up telling on myself anyway. Truth always comes out in the end. Why try to hide it?(but thanks for thinking I’m stupid) 

Annual workshop for back to school was last week. I’m excited and terrified all at the same time. New paperwork, ordering guidelines, procedure makes my head spin but it will all be ok. I got some new toys for work I got to put together Friday. Workshop was entertaining hanging out with another manager friend or two and making another one that I am pretty sure didn’t like me giggle and laugh cause I can make things entertaining. Not everyone is cool enough to recognize a unique and awesome soul like mine right away.

And.. I have moved, it’s been barely more than a week. My kids have come to stay with me a few times so far and I’ve had a few solo nights. It’s weird and different but good. The apartment model is next door so I have the best entrance way,   carpeted and blanketed with flowers and bushes. I feel like royalty walking the carpet to my door each day.. yes, I’m lame! It’s a small 2 bedroom apartment but it’s all I really need. The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades!(if you sang that last line, we could be best friends) 

We took a personality test at workshop last week and before we even started, I told my friend.. mine is going to be off the charts because there is no explanation for me. It was a bunch of questions with 2 possible answers for each question and based upon those answers, you were supposed to fall into 1 of 4 categories. Mine was so close.. I got 12 maches for 2 categories, 11 for rhe 3rd and 13 for the 4th.. so pretty much that tells me.. I’m a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get! Hahaha 

I know I’m leaving stuff out because I’m scatter-brained right now and I have a headache but this is as close 5yo caught up as I can be right now. 

tschuss, readers!
Until next time,

Your rising Phoenix, Winner for life, super big ball of awesome, Jen

Feeling the music live is one of the best experiences in life. Timehop can be a major asshole! Our days have always been numbered

Yea.. I said feel. Someone tried to correct me once.. “didn’t you mean hear?” No.. feel. Some just listen, I feel it. If I really dig it, I can feel it like blood pumping through my veins. The bass drum like a heartbeat and it vibes through me. I like my music loud. It’s the only other thing that’s been with me forever. It’s my very best friend. I use it to motivate, ease pain, release frustration, celebrate, mourn, to communicate when I can’t put into words what I need to express,   everything. 

It’s no secret I am a lover of music.. all kinds. Genre doesn’t matter, if I feel it and it moves me, I like it.

In my dreams I am a rockstar, my band plays all kinds of music, we focus on eachothers strengths, no one stays in one position, we can all play multiple instruments and take turns pending on how a tune makes us feel. Lofty dreams for an introvert. I had someone ask me once why I identify with introvert because they didn’t think I was one. Common misconception about us is that we are always shy and quiet and that’s not the case. It depends on our comfort level, who we are around, and where we are at the time. I need space sometimes to collect myself, groups exhaust me and if I can’t get away I can be quite antsy and spiteful.

So back to live music.. the last concert I went to was Pierce the Veil. I’ve posted on it before. I had such a great time. It was reminiscent of the 1st Smashing Pumpkins concert I attended, I was 15 I believe, the Siamese Dream tour. The energy was exhilarating. This is the same feeling I got from Pierce the Veil. It brought back some pretty fantastic memories. Memories of my childhood best friend who attended both Smashing Pumpkins concerts with me. 

Missy is constantly on my mind and I wish so badly I could hear her voice and know she’s ok. Missy was diagnosed with cancer ( I do not remember the name of hers) a few years ago and was told she may not make it past the next 2 years. It was incurable but they coukd prolong her life with treatment.It was found as a spot in her mouth that wouldn’t heal. She had what she thought was a cold for a long time.There was a tumor forming in her sinus cavity and unfortunately the cancer metastasized to the lungs and liver. She’s been through chemo and radiation, also tried a new procedure involving implanting radiation seeds into her tumors in the lung/liver. They seemed to be helping. The tumor in her face/sinus cavity was removed. 

Thanks to Timehop over the last couple weeks or so.. text conversations popped up from a year ago when a mass was discovered in her brain. She was scared and those messages popped up and I re-read them and my heart sank. I didn’t know at the time that they would be some of the last real conversations we would ever have. We were making plans for me to travel down in August after her birthday. I was already booked on a flight to visit my brother in CO for his 40th birthday and couldn’t afford another flight so I decided I would make the 10hr drive down and I was so nervous not having driven a distance quite so long before. Tami agreed to accompany me for the visit. We had a wonderful visit (aside from my teenage daughter being just that), visiting her kids school, I was introduced to Gnocchi (so good) for the first time, we went on a walking ghost tour, Missy in a wheelchair because she didn’t have the energy or stamina to make the 2-3 hr tour walking. Alex (her husband) was leary of us going because he thought it might be too hard on her.  A day after  I arrived we got the news that the spots on her brain weren’t new tumors but necrosis (dead tissue) from the facial radiation treatments. Better, but still not great. She was supposed to get testing for approval for hyperbaric chamber treatments after I left and I don’t know that they ever started them because within a few weeks of my visit she fell into a coma. It’s hard because no one really keeps me updated. I don’t even know if she is fully conscious and alert or can speak. A mutual friend of ours contacted me this am asking if I knew anything and sad to say.. I didn’t. I can’t get hold of her family that lives with/around her. The only contact that had been  responding to me is her sister in law who also lives far away from them  as well, until tonight. I reached out to Katrina (SIL)and learned  Missy has suffered irreversible brain damage from multiple bouts with pnuemonia that required hospitalization. She is receiving round the clock care from a live-in nurse. Her short term memory is gone and she does not recognize her children. She had to re-learn how to eat and walk and walks with the assistance of a walker. She is pretty much oblivious to her situation and is genuinely happy but you can imagine what kind of pain this has caused for her husband and kids and other family. I knew something wasn’t right, I could feel it. I’ve had that feeling for months and it was confirmed. 

I am so glad I “ovaried up” and made that drive last summer because it was one of the last couple of weeks she was still herself. I feel horrid and part of me wonders if the ghost tour was part of the beginning of a means to an end. There were mosquitos and they were biting (me at least) The Drs thought at first it might have been meningitis. Did it (tour/mosquitos)contribute to her getting sick, the exertion on her frail body? I was one of the last friends to see her as she was. Does Alex blame me?  Alex did reach out shortly after my visit to say that the visit was so important to her and SHE was so happy we made it down and that HE was glad I’d made it down because it made her so happy. Did he know then that things would never get back to normal her from here? As if it ever had post-diagnosis. There are so many questions I don’t have answers to and my heart breaks for him and their girls.

 Luckily, I did hear back from Alex tonight. I didn’t ask any of those questions but I got a little relief because he did respond this time as I’d been reaching out for months to no avail and I get it. His wife can no longer care for herself or their kids. It’s devastating. When I got the news, I cried. Hiding in a bathroom stall at work.

Missy and I had a unique friendship. We didn’t always get along and there was rumor around the neighborhood that I called the fire department on her house when we were kids cause she pissed me off. (I’ll never tell).  Her mom was always thrilled about me when we were growing up but she loved me, I know this. I was the only real friend Missy had that always stuck around and she was the same for me. I was there for the multiple surgeries she went through growing up. Spent many summer days in a hospital room at Portsmouth Naval Hospital during her recoveries. (She was born with a facial deformity) We grew up, she went to college, I started having kids and got married, she got married and started her own family. We have led very different lives for 2 girls that grew up a street apart in the same neighborhood however the friendship always remained the same. Not many can say that they’ve held onto a friendship for more than 30 years. We are the type of friends that could go for days, weeks, months and even a year sometime without talking but when we came back around we could talk like we hadn’t missed a day in between regardless of the miles the disagreements and life getting in the way. There’s so much I still need to tell you. I know that whether it’s in this lifetime or not we will meet again. Until then I have thousands and thousands of memories. I have always admired your outgoing attitude, your amazing strength, and bravery. You’ve always been one of the strongest women I know.

Friends, strangers, whoever is still reading, I say this all the time. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Do not put off on tomorrow what you can do today, forgive people even when they don’t deserve it and let go of the past because there’s nothing you can do to change it anyway. Say what you need to say and do what you need to do now. Check on your friends and loved ones often. Make sure they know what they mean to you. Our days are numbered. 

Til next time..

A very nostalgic Rising Phoenix 

Revelations from an empath

I have a very cynical view on humanity for good reason. I am an empath, I can feel the emotions of those around me. Some people are harder to read because I would rather believe what they say than lean on my own intuition. Sometimes I know my friends better than they know themselves and can spot a lie quicker than most whether I let you know I’ve figured it out or not. Sometimes it’s not worth calling people out. I need time alone in order to clear my head because I am affected by the emotions of those around me so much that it clouds my own thought process. Intuition and empathy are very real. It explains alot about why I am the way I am. Why I get confused about how I really feel sometimes because I’m tuned into what’s going on around me. I pick up vibes and am typically pretty accurate about my gut feelings about a person. It gets especially cloudy when it involves those that I love. I don’t always want to believe the things I pick up on. Pair that with anxiety and depression it can be a crazy, crazy place to be in. 

What bothers me most are people that lie/keep secrets so well that it doesn’t seem to affect them at all. There are cases where “what you don’t know, can’t hurt you” is a good thing. Times when the truth will do nothing but cause pain/misery but at the same time, I also believe that everything is always revealed in the end and imagine the pain that can cause later. I know what it can do, I’ve been on the recieving end of “what I didn’t know can’t hurt me” until I did know and it killed me from the inside. It’s one of the reasons I got to be damn near 400lbs at one point. I gave up on being happy. I let the pain creep into every aspect of my life and I was no longer living. That woman makes me cry, she makes me want to help people like me. Makes me realize that the weight wasn’t ever the root of all of my problems, but a consequence of letting things get to me. A product of a deep seated depression. I felt trapped, like life would never be satisfying for me. No one will ever be able to really love me. I still believe the last part. 

It was after recovering from “fat girl attack” (gall stones/bladder attack) and talking with my surgeon that I started the process of the journey I am still on. At that point I believed my fat was the root of all problems and making it go away would magically fix me and it hasn’t. It’s forced me to deal with demons I hid away behind the fat. I’ve had alot of support along the way, some gawkers that remain around for “the show”(some of my posts are dark and truly naked), some seeking help and advice, and others thanking me for being so blunt and naked for the world to see. I don’t share everything but I have shared quite a bit, some of it is embarrassing and I fear every time that my posts will change others view of me for the worse. Then I realize that if it does.. I really shouldn’t care because from the responses I have gotten.. I’m making a difference in other people’s lives and that was the ultimate goal all along. To educate, inspire, and perhaps make someone put there to not feel so alone. 

I’ve had alot of stressors recently and its coming time for my annual exam which around this time last year revealed abnormal cervical cells. After more testing it was revealed I had CIN2. Precancerous cells on my cervix. I had laser surgery to remove it in October of last year and at that time, it was assumed that they got it all. I am really nervous that they will find it again or it will be more advanced. I made a post on the whole scenario in oct/nov of last year and I’m glad I did because through that post, I found support from others that were in my shoes, and inspired others to not blow off their annual exam. The earlier you find these things, the better off you are. 

I am taking each day as it comes. It’s all I can do. Some days are better than others and I am still hanging on. Dealing with things in the only way I can. Alone at first and then leaning on the support of those I trust enough to share with. I know my worth but I don’t always recognize it. 

This is where I will leave you. The truth is always revealed in the end. Choose your words and actions carefully. They affect others more than you know. If you’re in a dark place, try to think of one thing that truly makes you happy and lean on those closest to you or reach out to a stranger, reach out to me. I listen more than I speak always. 

Til next time,

Phoenix Rising

You walk around trying to fix everything but you’re the one who’s broken

“Reaching out for you is like painting pictures for the blind; beautiful in theory, but a waste of time.” -unknown
I read this quote last week and it hit me so hard. That and the title quote. “You walk around trying to fix everything but you’re the one that’s broken.” I make a lot of mistakes , I’ll be the first to admit. I was talking to my daughter the other night and it brought me back to when she and my son were younger. There was an incident years ago with her and I and a brass tealight holder. When I was angry I used to throw things to keep from hurting people around me until the night I hurled the brass tealight holder which ended up hitting her in the head unintentionally. I cried, sobbed, held her and promised never to throw anything again. The accident left a “goose-egg” on her head and I felt like the biggest piece of shit alive for weeks (I actually still do). I used to throw things in anger to keep from hurting my kids and in turn ended up doing just that. I was a scary person at one time and I cringe when I think back on some things. What brought it up was my daughter said, “I want to be the house that all the kids that feel like they have no place to go can come and feel welcome” I laughed and said, “that definitely was NOT me, huh?” I hated having company. Unless I really liked one of their (my kids) friends, I wasn’t exactly welcoming. I preferred it if they went to the friend’s home. I babysat kids in my home for years until both of mine were in school and then I went back to work. I didn’t want to hang with other people’s kids after my daycare kids went home. Then I asked her why she feels that way because she and I are very similar, we don’t trust many people and joke about how much we hate other people. That’s when that awful memory I try not to remember popped back up in my head and my heart sunk. She doesn’t want to be like me. The old me at least and I got a little upset and choked back tears. I wasn’t mad at her, I was pissed off at myself. For the impression I left on her. I explained to her that I wasn’t proud of a lot of the things I did. We had a frank discussion about depression and anxiety and I apologized for probably the billionth time for the candle holder episode. I was 19 when I got pregnant with her, 20 when she was born. I was very young and was not ready to be a mom but there I was sharing an apt with my then boyfriend (current husband) and close friend from my first job. You know from recent blog history, if you’re a regular reader, that my husband is not the biological father of my first child. He stayed with me knowing I was pregnant knowing the child I carried most likely was not his. He loved me enough to stay regardless of the outcome and has been the only father my daughter has known until recently. That’s a whole other story. Who else other than me can say they have a “baby mama” when you’re both female and naturally conceived? Her dad is transitioning to be the woman she’s always felt she was inside. Makes for interesting conversation. You can’t drop a bomb like that without explaining a little back story. So… my daughter essentially has 2 moms and a dad. She’s discovered she has alot of family nearby that she never knew about before now. It’s all pretty cool and weird at the same time. My daughter and I are very similar in alot of ways. She, like me has major highs and lows that occur within minutes but she is more social than I am. We share a mutual “hate” of people in general. If you’ve read from the beginning, you get what I mean. We don’t hate everyone but have a general disdain for the human race. People suck, period. Most are selfish and self serving and then there are the few we really click with and even then they can drive us insane. Sometimes I invest alot of time and energy in people that don’t deserve it and she seems to be the same way. Recently I sent an anonymous gift to someone I’ve been tryinf to befriend for a while now in hopes to brighten their day and it back-fired. I have been trying to pique their interest in a deeper friendship and my attempts have been null and void. It’s time I move on, I should take my own advice.. if you try to force a fart you may end up with shit. I don’t need shit friends.. I’ve had too many of those already. Since I’ve been gone, Matt and I have been getting along alot better. Weve been to dinner and the movies a few times and it’s been nice. I don’t know what’s in store for us in the future. I am still determined to do things on my own and maybe one day we will all be back together but for now I think this is what we need. You don’t need to understand my reasons.
My housemate is legally blind which means she can see but her vision is limited enough to keep her from driving. I hired her to work in my kitchen in November and have been driving her home every afternoon anyway. Her husband of 20yrs left her on Valentine’s Day and after alot of thought we decided it could be the perfect opportunity for me to get out and for her to have the help she needs at home. There have been a few speed bumps but we are working on ironing them all out. For instance, both of my jobs are on the opposite side of town so I am currently taking her home and driving back to work at night which is a nightmare on my gas tank. I haven’t been able to put in the time I’m used to at the gym either which is frustrating me as well and hopefully I can come up with a feasible solution for that. I can’t slack any more on my routine. I’m at the verge of putting on weight. EEK! What else is new? Mini finally got her license and has been driving on her own. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. I’ve been taking off my night job to catch her home games for softball and we have stayed after to catch a couple soccer games and have had a blast hanging out. My son is harder to get to spend time with as he’s obsessed with videogames and doesnt ever want to go anywhere. They have both stayed overnight with me, again her more than him. He is very much a “home body” like his dad. He has a friend he hangs with but all they do is play games too so.. yea. I still feel like a magician at my day job because I am constantly doing the job of multiple people as more often than not.. we are shorthanded. My night job I have taken a back seat on lately which is NOT me. I take pride in my work regardless of what I’m doing and I’m not proud of my recent set back. Its time to get back on my game as I don’t like letting people down and I feel like that’s exactly what I’m doing. I don’t think I ever updated on my son and the out of school suspension. He was out for 3 weeks (one of which was spring break) a hearing was held to decide whether or not he would be allowed back at school. He was allowed back but has been struggling with his grades catching up. He is technically on probation for the remainder of the year. If he screws anything else up, he can be expelled. Moral of the story? Don’t bring a pocket knife to school, kids!

We have 6.5 weeks of school left and I can’t wait for summer! It’s been another challenging year but we are still going and I still have the best staff on earth even with one of them legally blind.

That about catches up this edition of mi vida loca.

Until next time,

Crazy, broken crayon, rising phoenix, finding my own way, Jen

I want to refresh my mind, delete all my problems and mistakes and keep only happy memories.. NOT!

I read that statement on facebook this morning and all I could think was.. “what a crock of shit!”
Our mistakes and problems are what shape us and teach us lessons. There is no going back, no reset button, no “get out of jail free card”. All you can do is move forward, make the best out of what you have and live.
None of us are perfect and we never will be. It’s your choice what you make of it. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be miserable.
I have made my fair share of mistakes but I own them,  they are stepping stones along the path of my life. Not everyone will agree with the things I have done and you don’t have to.
I know alot of people in many different walks of life. My friends are older, younger, and some are the same age as I am, different races, different religions,  and I appreciate them all. They teach me to view things from other perspectives. I choose to take life day by day. Tomorrow is never promised. Unfortunately,  social anxiety is not my friend as it keeps me from expressing the things I would like to say all of the time and I fear I may never get over that but the ones that count get that. 
I went out last night to a bar ( oh no! Life choice police.. Come and get me!) To visit with a friend and to catch a local band that I had seen a couple of times before and loved! The Deloreans are an 80s cover band that play all over locally and and further out in Virginia. The band isn’t your typical cover band. These people have talent. Some might call that “glorified karaoke” but I don’t see it that way. The members of the band play multiple instruments.  Two of them switched off playing drums through their sets. They each took solo vocal leads in different songs and I was amazed at their energy. If you are ever in Southeast VA and the opportunity arises to see them.. do it. You will be pleasantly surprised.. that is, unless you don’t like 80s music. They flawlessly pulled out tunes from Pat Benatar, Bon Jovi, Twisted Sister, Billy Idol, Toto, Van Halen, Cyndi Lauper, The Clash, The Ramones, and Rick Astley just to name a few. They rock!
While I was out I was approached by a few people, good old friends and alot of acquaintances, one in particular stood out. They told me that they still read my crazy blog (yes, this one) and called me an inspiration.  Those are heavy words and they meant alot to me. The whole reason behind starting the blog was to help others long the same path or similar to to mine. It’s been filled with the good,  bad, ugly, rewarding, and honest truth about this journey. It’s also kind of spun off into my own personal sounding board. To me, it’s all relative. Daily life is a part of the journey and my emotions have a big part in the trip. I am human, I make mistakes, I fall off path and I always dust myself off and get back to where I need to be. Life isn’t always pretty and it’s up to you how you decide to handle life’s ups and downs. One thing I hope you gather from my words is that I’m not a quitter. Mistakes,  victories, total blunders, attempts at something new, good times and bad.. I will never give up.
I’m not done yet, this is a life time process.  I don’t follow a diet but have made and continue to make lifestyle changes. My goal is to maintain good health. If I look good in the process.. that’s a bonus! I will always be a work in progress. I don’t always know where I’m going but you can be sure I’m going to make the best of it!

Til next time,
Often misunderstood, quirky, ever – evolving, never quitting -Jen