I will never be perfect, blonde (I was once and I will never go back), my body will never bounce back to its once youthful glow. I am covered in scars, marks, highly visible veins, and loose, old lady like skin. Underneath it all I have a heart of gold that is highly guarded but will do anything to crack a smile on a loved ones face. I’d move mountains to make them happy. I am also highly empathetic and take on the vibes from those around me and it sucks. I love that I can feel things so deeply but it means I feel everything intensified.
I am going through separation not only from my spouse but from my kids as well. My kids still live at their home and come to stay with me sometimes. Within a matter of months I lost my apartment, car, and most of my belongings due to flooding and the discovery of asbestos. The flooding has hit me pretty hard and it’s not so much the loss, yes I lost some pretty special, irreplaceable stuff but the fear and panic of those hours watching the water invade my home and not being able to do a thing about it have broken a piece of me I am not sure can be fixed. At times, I have become irritable, forgetful, sometimes reckless with my decisions, lonely, impulsive, and depressed. I won’t always answer when you call. I have always had major highs and lows but this is a whole other ball of wax.
Last week, I made the decision I had been dreading for a long time under the encouragement of my primary doctor. I made an appointment for therapy. The appointment is tomorrow and that makes me anxious in itself. I am high functioning and can carry on when necessary but there have been a few occasions in the last 2 months where I couldn’t carry on. What upset me the most about one of them is that I reached out to a few people for help and I was blown off. (If you were one of them and are reading, please don’t be offended. I hold no ill will and understand) Perhaps because I had never reached out before, IDK. I can’t and won’t get into detail here. I typically go off on my own to deal with problems before I share them, if I share them. I have flashbacks and triggers can be as simple as seeing pictures of things, remembering something and then realizing something in the memory was taken from me. I have since come in contact with a few items I thought I would never see again. What I managed to pack into my car that wasn’t destroyed anyway, I have since put in my storage closet outside. I can’t bring them inside my new place because they trigger. I have a couple of outlets. Music being a major one and my 2 twin souls as I like to call them. Some of us are lucky if we find one, I have two. The 3 of us are pretty fucked up but I can speak without fear or judgement and it makes me love them that much more. One I have known for years while the other only made their appearance a little more than a month ago. Problem there is, sometimes even though I know I could, I don’t always go to them either. I don’t know how this appointment will go, I can only hope for the best.
That said, I read a post today that questioned, “If you had a reset button for your life, would you push it”? Absofuckinglutely not! I still believe in destiny and that what is meant to be will be. I also believe that our love, pain, loss, struggles, triumphs, and victories, continuously shape who we are. Sometimes that’s how we have to learn.. because there is no other way aside from experience. I’m still working on me. I have been for 6yrs now and I’m not done. It will be an endless journey til the day I die. My journey of self discovery and care began with that night I thought I was going to die of a heart attack. It planted a seed that I tended for a couple of years before I had the courage “sprout”and start making changes in myself. Change can be scary, but it’s the only way we’ll grow.
I’m doing the best I can, with what I have. I wish I had a little more support some days but it is what it is. It’s taken me 30 something yrs to make the step into therapy.
A song came to mind when I read the topic on what you would do with a switch and Garth Brooks, The Dance came to mind
“Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance”
This is where I will leave you
Until next time,
Rising Phoenix, lover of song and dance, swore I’d never let anyone call me Jenny again, I miss you -Jen
Jennifer Winner -Highs and lows... 