“Reaching out for you is like painting pictures for the blind; beautiful in theory, but a waste of time.” -unknown
I read this quote last week and it hit me so hard. That and the title quote. “You walk around trying to fix everything but you’re the one that’s broken.” I make a lot of mistakes , I’ll be the first to admit. I was talking to my daughter the other night and it brought me back to when she and my son were younger. There was an incident years ago with her and I and a brass tealight holder. When I was angry I used to throw things to keep from hurting people around me until the night I hurled the brass tealight holder which ended up hitting her in the head unintentionally. I cried, sobbed, held her and promised never to throw anything again. The accident left a “goose-egg” on her head and I felt like the biggest piece of shit alive for weeks (I actually still do). I used to throw things in anger to keep from hurting my kids and in turn ended up doing just that. I was a scary person at one time and I cringe when I think back on some things. What brought it up was my daughter said, “I want to be the house that all the kids that feel like they have no place to go can come and feel welcome” I laughed and said, “that definitely was NOT me, huh?” I hated having company. Unless I really liked one of their (my kids) friends, I wasn’t exactly welcoming. I preferred it if they went to the friend’s home. I babysat kids in my home for years until both of mine were in school and then I went back to work. I didn’t want to hang with other people’s kids after my daycare kids went home. Then I asked her why she feels that way because she and I are very similar, we don’t trust many people and joke about how much we hate other people. That’s when that awful memory I try not to remember popped back up in my head and my heart sunk. She doesn’t want to be like me. The old me at least and I got a little upset and choked back tears. I wasn’t mad at her, I was pissed off at myself. For the impression I left on her. I explained to her that I wasn’t proud of a lot of the things I did. We had a frank discussion about depression and anxiety and I apologized for probably the billionth time for the candle holder episode. I was 19 when I got pregnant with her, 20 when she was born. I was very young and was not ready to be a mom but there I was sharing an apt with my then boyfriend (current husband) and close friend from my first job. You know from recent blog history, if you’re a regular reader, that my husband is not the biological father of my first child. He stayed with me knowing I was pregnant knowing the child I carried most likely was not his. He loved me enough to stay regardless of the outcome and has been the only father my daughter has known until recently. That’s a whole other story. Who else other than me can say they have a “baby mama” when you’re both female and naturally conceived? Her dad is transitioning to be the woman she’s always felt she was inside. Makes for interesting conversation. You can’t drop a bomb like that without explaining a little back story. So… my daughter essentially has 2 moms and a dad. She’s discovered she has alot of family nearby that she never knew about before now. It’s all pretty cool and weird at the same time. My daughter and I are very similar in alot of ways. She, like me has major highs and lows that occur within minutes but she is more social than I am. We share a mutual “hate” of people in general. If you’ve read from the beginning, you get what I mean. We don’t hate everyone but have a general disdain for the human race. People suck, period. Most are selfish and self serving and then there are the few we really click with and even then they can drive us insane. Sometimes I invest alot of time and energy in people that don’t deserve it and she seems to be the same way. Recently I sent an anonymous gift to someone I’ve been tryinf to befriend for a while now in hopes to brighten their day and it back-fired. I have been trying to pique their interest in a deeper friendship and my attempts have been null and void. It’s time I move on, I should take my own advice.. if you try to force a fart you may end up with shit. I don’t need shit friends.. I’ve had too many of those already. Since I’ve been gone, Matt and I have been getting along alot better. Weve been to dinner and the movies a few times and it’s been nice. I don’t know what’s in store for us in the future. I am still determined to do things on my own and maybe one day we will all be back together but for now I think this is what we need. You don’t need to understand my reasons.
My housemate is legally blind which means she can see but her vision is limited enough to keep her from driving. I hired her to work in my kitchen in November and have been driving her home every afternoon anyway. Her husband of 20yrs left her on Valentine’s Day and after alot of thought we decided it could be the perfect opportunity for me to get out and for her to have the help she needs at home. There have been a few speed bumps but we are working on ironing them all out. For instance, both of my jobs are on the opposite side of town so I am currently taking her home and driving back to work at night which is a nightmare on my gas tank. I haven’t been able to put in the time I’m used to at the gym either which is frustrating me as well and hopefully I can come up with a feasible solution for that. I can’t slack any more on my routine. I’m at the verge of putting on weight. EEK! What else is new? Mini finally got her license and has been driving on her own. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. I’ve been taking off my night job to catch her home games for softball and we have stayed after to catch a couple soccer games and have had a blast hanging out. My son is harder to get to spend time with as he’s obsessed with videogames and doesnt ever want to go anywhere. They have both stayed overnight with me, again her more than him. He is very much a “home body” like his dad. He has a friend he hangs with but all they do is play games too so.. yea. I still feel like a magician at my day job because I am constantly doing the job of multiple people as more often than not.. we are shorthanded. My night job I have taken a back seat on lately which is NOT me. I take pride in my work regardless of what I’m doing and I’m not proud of my recent set back. Its time to get back on my game as I don’t like letting people down and I feel like that’s exactly what I’m doing. I don’t think I ever updated on my son and the out of school suspension. He was out for 3 weeks (one of which was spring break) a hearing was held to decide whether or not he would be allowed back at school. He was allowed back but has been struggling with his grades catching up. He is technically on probation for the remainder of the year. If he screws anything else up, he can be expelled. Moral of the story? Don’t bring a pocket knife to school, kids!
We have 6.5 weeks of school left and I can’t wait for summer! It’s been another challenging year but we are still going and I still have the best staff on earth even with one of them legally blind.
That about catches up this edition of mi vida loca.
Until next time,
Crazy, broken crayon, rising phoenix, finding my own way, Jen
Jennifer Winner -Highs and lows... 